Grant Blown Wooing Research Assistant

Straight from everyone’s favorite authoritative news source, The Onion, so you know it must be true.

“During the course of my project, I have encountered some unforeseen but truly vital expenses,” read the introduction to Neuthom’s 47-page project proposal, which details predicted outlays through 2008, most notably an additional $60,000 in “part-time female research-assistant salaries.”

Sengupta said that, in the Braithwaite Foundation’s long history of funding ecological research, he has never seen an aquatic wildlife study require so many fresh-cut flowers.

Sources at the University of Montana say they have rarely encountered an established researcher as generous as Neuthom, who often spends long hours in the lab with his young assistant, helping her participate in every aspect of the study, even those for which she is not technically qualified.

According to the Braithwaite Foundation’s internal auditor Michael Romero, if Neuthom has misused funds, the organization will take appropriate measures.

“We have a team carefully examining every receipt submitted by Dr. Neuthom over the last few months,” Romero said. “If anything untoward has happened here, my assistant, Emily will find it. She’s really quite something, you know.”

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